The Problem is You, Eric

My mind went blank when I stare at the white 'paper' of which I am suppose to type in my feelings, my thinkings etc....
I don't know what I want to write, there are too many things in my mind.... The last 4 years of my life was the best that I ever had, and I just f***-ed it up.... again....
Flashback to 4 years ago, I still remember the 1st meal we had was at Tao's E-Gate. And it was drizzling when we went back.... The 2nd was at T-bowl and then tat was how we started... Everything was just like yesterday... And I got myself an awesome girlfriend.
Throughout the 4 years we were together, I felt I am the happiest guy on earth... I got a caring girlfriend, yet, time and again, I hurted her, made her cried and I really disapointed her again and again. From the sms-es that I read back, I cant help myself but tears begin to roll down my cheeks... I am everything a bad guy had... totally a jerk, totally bad temper, totally unloyal...

I always thought that loving someone is to give her the best that a person can afford... now I am totally wrong in this... loving someone is to protect her all the time and to not hurt her feelings.... I felt totally helpless when she cried uncontrollably in her room just now, and I am watching her from afar... too near yet too far should be the sentence used to describe my feelings just now. At that time, I really wanted to hug her and tell her everything's ok, but deep in my heart, I understand that everything's not ok at all at that time. I screwed up big time.

Deep inside my heart, I vowed to give her happiness and that is the reason why I worked hard day and night just to give her the kind of life she wanted. She said she wanted to have a small family and a small house. She said she wanted a yearly vacation in which she can spend some time with her loved ones. Simplistic, yes, but it is me, who over complicated things. I wanted her to feel grand, I wanted her to feel like she is a princess, and I wanted her to feel proud to have me as her man.
From then on, I worked harder and harder, using my love to her as my motivation. Alas, I grew more and more bad temper, and occasionally, scolded her, treated her coldly due to the pressure that I gave myself.

Pressure from work, peers, family made me more and more grumpy, and I begin to lost myself. I really wanted to give the best in the world to her, but by doing so, alienating her more and more....

If I can just turn back time, and if we were to meet again at Tao, I would still woo and court her, just this time, I will make sure that I understand her simple mind more, and be totally loyal to her.
throughout the 4 years, yes, I admit I have been to many wrongs, but I can boldly tell her that she is the one I love the most, and the only one I love.
If I were to meet my Maker, I would tell the same thing to Him.
The only regret that I have is not being able to walk down the aisle with her and listening to her sweet voice of "I Do"...

If and only If I can turn back time.....

4h Day (The boy that cried wolf)

We argued again... Just when I thought things are taking a turn for the better, it actually goes the opposite side...

No words can describe my feelings these few days... sad? yes. Painful? yes. Feeling useless? yes. Feeling hopeless? yes. Confused? NO. A firm NO. My feelings for her is always true, no matter what happens. From day one until now, I know she is the one.

Reading someone's blog is like taking a trip into an individual's soul, or so I was told. Now I comprehend. If she can just peek into my soul and see for herself how important she is to me, then probably she would have forgiven me. If and only if, right?

Ever heard of a boy who cried wolf?
A shepherd, boy to be exact, who watched a flock of sheep near a village, brought out the villagers three or four times by crying out "Wolf! Wolf". And when his neighbours trusted him and came to help him, was laughed by him.
Well, of course, the wolf did truly come at last. The shepherd, shouted, wailed, pleaded but to no avail. No one paid any heed to his cries nor came to his assistance. The wolf destroyed the whole flock.
When someone who is a liar who speaks the truth at last, but alas, no one actually believes him anymore.
So to anyone of you reading this, do keep in mind the story is true and tested over time. If I can turn back time... If and only if, right?

3 days of calamity is actually a harbinger of things to come... 3 days of improving relationship, or at least I thought it was, was actually the lull before the storm. Let's hope there will not be any tsunami aftermath. Let's hope that my philosophy: The night is darkest before dawn holds true. Let's keep my fingers crossed. I leave my fate in the hands of God. Let's hope and pray. Amen.

The 1st Day (If and Only If)

When I first set-up this blog, I am having a perfect relationship with my future wife, that is why I choose the name as "Life's good". Well, few years down the road, things do change.

Today, 9th May 2012 is the saddest day in my whole life... The person whom I badly wanted to marry and spend the rest of my whole life with, had proposed to me.... except that she did not propose to marry me... She proposed to break-off with me. 9 in Chinese means longevity, but unfortunately, the number does not mean so to me...

I know I have done many wrongs in my life, and she supported me through thick and thin. She has been with me through my darkest hours in my life, but when she is having her darkest hours in her life, all I could do is to sit here, rant, sad, rant, sad and totally doing nothing more.... what a jerk I am!

I would not dare to ask her for forgiveness, let alone ask her to reconcile with me. The mistake that I did was far more serious than anyone can imagine. I can only sit here, reflect back on what I did, and how much and how deeply I hurt her.... I know no words can describe her sadness, no words can describe how painful she is, no words can describe how crushed her heart is....

It is not enough that I love her. It is not enough that I call and sms her every now and then. It is not enough to care her and hold her hands. There is one single, most important thing that I need to do to be the complete other half. And that would be to be loyal to her.

She told me she regretted spending 3 years with me, and I would confidently tell her, no I don't regret at all to be with her, not even 1 second.
If and only if I could turn back time, I would tell her I love her.
If and only if I could turn back time, I would hold her hands, hug her and tell her everything's all right.
If and only if I could turn back time, I would tell her I have no regrets to have her in my life.
If and only if I could turn back time, I would have realised my mistake and would not do anything to hurt her.

If and only if.......